[Letter]–The World King of Serpents, Ophiophagus Hannah also known as Comrade Hamadryad has written a long letter to President Muhammadu Buhari disclaiming the widespread news of the deglutition of some JAMB funds by an unidentified snake.
This is contained in a letter titled, “If you are not ashamed, we are angry” signed by the serpent’s spokesman, Comrade Titanoboa Cerrejonensis and sent to THE PAGE via email. Read the letter below:
Dear President Muhammadu Buhari,
It has come to our notice that a certain snake has sneaked into the account office of the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board, JAMB, in Makurdi, Benue State and swallowed N36m. And on behalf of all well-meaning serpents of the world, we hereby unanimously disclaim this false reportage and condemn in its totality, the lack of insensitiveness displayed by all parties concerned in this shameful drama depicting sheer wickedness against serpents. Once again, this is nothing but a PR disaster for our world.
May be we need to remind the President and Nigerians in general that serpents have been victims of a grand hypocritical scheme that started hundreds of centuries ago and later advanced by various Abrahamic religions. The story was about how one of our ancestors deceived Eve and who in turn deceived Adam the first man to eat the so called forbidden fruit. And what happened later according to this celebrated folklore is that “the LORD God said unto the serpent, because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life / And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel”. From this, we have been asking pertinent questions and we will continue to ask them: Are we the only race that crawls on its belly? Are we the only race that bruises man’s heels? The truth is, man is not only at war with us but everything, every other beast in the world, even man is always at war with himself!
While this fiction has become a bestseller for some over 3.6 billion people around the world, the serpent world has not found these various publications funny. These stories have inspired extreme hatred and grand scale serpenticides in the annals of world history where we have lost countless of our brothers and sisters in arms. Of course, we are not even talking about Ophidiophobia, a disease that many people have contacted from these stories that made them develop unnecessary fear for us thereby repainting a whole race of peaceful and loving animals as demons. Our race suffered such extreme onslaught from Adam’s children that the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) had to list many of our tribes as endangered and others outright extinct.
For years now, we have been lobbying, engaging and begging the United Nations (UN), the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) and other global organisations to set up a truth and reconciliation commission in determining, discovering and revealing the truth about our collective past to enhance a peaceful co-habitation of the serpent world with man’s. We need to keep reminding ourselves that we are in a civilised age and no matter how tempted we all are; we should desist from regressing to our baser instincts. We are very sorry for digressing but it is very important to properly contextualize this event or was it not Prophet Achebe that concluded that “A man who does not know where the rain began to beat him cannot say where he dried his body”.
Some weeks ago, Pope Francis came to St Peter’s Square on World Communications Day to open old wounds. He went as far as not only blaming us for the first patricide but also that we are pioneers of fake news! What a mischievous pettiness and the pettiest mischief we have ever seen or heard from a global icon. Since you were not invited, permit me to quote from his address: “We need to unmask what could be called the ‘snake-tactics’ used by those who disguise themselves in order to strike at any time and place. This was the strategy employed by the ‘crafty serpent’ in the Book of Genesis, who, at the dawn of humanity, created the first fake news, which began the tragic history of human sin, beginning with the first fratricide and issuing in the countless other evils committed against God, neighbour, society and creation.” You’d agree with me that words like these won’t allow us move on. They create bad bloods.
And while we were still trying to battle that socio-cultural misadventure, another PR storm took us by surprise from Nigeria of all places! We have enough battles we are fighting already, and to add a political dimension to our seemingly “interminable” struggle is to further condemn our race to perpetual ridicule. Since when have we started participating in the affairs of man that we are now being fingered in aiding and abetting corruption – or was that stealing – and corrupt public servants? Or is it now our faults that we eat by swallowing? Don’t humans also swallow? We know our food; we know what we swallow. Just as it would be ridiculous to say that a human being swallow 36 Million Naira, it would even be more ridiculous to say that to a snake because unlike humans we have sane and healthy appetites. What is not good for the gander is not good for the goose, Mr President. And to set the record straight, none of our kind has been at the JAMB office in Makurdi. The feeds we receive from our satellite all supported this claim and we will be ready at any time to share these videos with your security operatives if anyone claims otherwise, they should come with their CCTV feeds.
A public servant opened her mouth to say that her housemaid colluded with some other staff in stealing 36 Million Naira in cash from a secured vault using the help of a snake – how ridiculous can that get – and all you did was to suspend her. This is a globalised world, Mr President, and for the boundless opportunities being offered by the Internet and Freebasics, we know what would have been appropriate measures from government institutions in saner climes. It is clear that Philomena Cheishe is suffering from a terrible undiscovered psychological disease – and it might even be a complex variation of Ophidiophobia as suggested by one of our Infectious Disease Specialists.
Cheishe should not even have been allowed to speak with the press nor any government official at all should have been allowed to say a word of it to the press because it negates every known rule of logic and morality. She should have been referred immediately to a psychiatric hospital – our diplomats told us you have an outstanding particular one in Yaba. Attaching any meaning at all to her words is tantamount to dignifying the words of a mentally deranged individual. Now, the disease that struck her has now passed on to others including your fourth estate that everyone is now sharing the news all over with so much enthusiasm. What should have been a private Doctor-Patient moment in a psychiatric home has now turned to a trending matter of national concern amongst your citizens. This is a shame. And if you are not ashamed, Mr. President, I am angry, we are angry, my race is angry! And we hiss! Well, you might be happy that you are winning some imaginary war on corruption front but we are angry that we have to be collateral damage to this administrative insanity.
Now, some people are seriously thinking that a snake indeed helped her in the heist. Some are already imagining that snakes now have a bio-engineered compartment in their bellies to store stolen funds and all sort of ridiculous imaginations. Not just that, other races in the animal kingdom are thinking the act was snake kingdom-sponsored and that we are trying to eat your cake without sharing with them but God knows we hate cakes in both literal and metaphorical forms! Thanks to hardworking public servant-serpents who had already padded our kingdom budget, we would have expended a juicy part of this year budget in saving our public image in the press at the expense of our capital projects but even at that, we know how much we had already paid to social media influencers since Saturday that this unfortunate news broke out.
Not to waste your time, Mr. President, our requests are simple:
Spokesman, Serpent Kingdom
Ilha da Queimada Grande
Sebruary 12, 2018
PS. We noticed on Twitter that a certain @NigeriaSnake have been impersonating the imaginary snake your people accused of stealing 36 Million Naira. We hereby wish to disclaim the horrible creature who has chosen to make a joke out of a very serious matter. Not just that, we also noticed the creature now even have wives and children indulging in all acts of savagery on twitter and we have to ask: do Nigerians have any sense of sensitivity at all? First of all, we have a strong censorship programme against our people mingling with humans on the social media and the only place you’ll ever find snakes socializing online is on SWITTER (www.switter.com). Secondly, we are disciplined creatures and we are united, what we have to say, we say through our leaders only. As at the time of writing this release, we were told @NigeriaSnake is currently following Senator Dino Melaye, whatever political mischief this creature is up to, we repeat, we have no hands in it – all pun intended.
PSS. Some of our advisers indeed advised that I just glide into Aso Rock to talk to you one-on-one without raising sensational dusts on social media but we all know what happened when Phloeomys Pallidus and his fellow comrades of rats tried it last year. They were accused of a ‘palace coup’!
PSSS. Every word in this letter should be read with an accompaniment of at least, 15-second long hiss. We are that angry.Please Follow Us @ThePageNg